And then dad said,…
“$400… for Uber?! Are you kidding me?”*
An important and unsettling disconnect—and in some cases, a blatant clash—often exists between new college students and their parents. This discord usually stems from undefined assumptions for what is, or is not “acceptable” and “appropriate.” Often, neither party is even aware that this situation exists until the illusion is disrupted.
“You skipped class to go hiking for a week?!”*
A rational approach would include preemptively discussing the most common misunderstandings, but as one parent recently told me, “I would rather talk about STDs than money with my kids.” With that revelation as a guide I am not surprised how many freshman college students tell me during winter break, “My parents took away mycredit card.”*
“$372 for groceries?!…
… because the cafeteria doesn’t have food you like?!…
… so now now you are a vegetarian?”*
Initially, I have students complete a few exercises to authentically identify why they are pursuing college and what they want to learn or do before graduating. These two simple surveys provide invaluable and mandatory information to—hopefully—get the application and admissions process right, the first time. The most disheartening situation occurs when parents’ views about college are diametrically opposed to those of their children. Diverging perspectives most often include, but are in no way limited to, topics of: money (allowance), travel options, study behaviors, grade expectations, social activities, weekends, credit card use, and most recently… Uber/Lyft.
If you are a parent who is preparing for the college application and admissions process, please read the following ‘Open Letter to Parents.” Answer these questions as honestly as possible, and then, share your answers with your children. Hopefully, there will be few surprises or disagreements. However, with history my guide, I think you may uncover some interesting perspective asymmetries.
Dear Parents,
I trust this note finds you well. Thank you for allowing me to serve you in finding the best possible college for your family. To provide you with the most appropriate advice, please take a moment and answer these questions as truthfully and thoughtfully as possible. Then, share your answers with your future college student now, before starting the college application process. Please note any distorted expressions, unnatural sounds, or loud phrases of disbelief. Do not run. Teens sense fear as clearly as a bloodhound can smell bacon.
- Why do you (really) want your child to go to college?
- What are the five most important things youfeel your child should learn or do before they graduate?
- X
- X
- X
- X
- X
- What is a realistic amount of debt after graduation? (Explain why, with examples.)
- Is a name brand school (one you have heard of) important to you? Why?
- Do you have a preference which degree your child pursues? Why?
- Are grades important, and if so, how high, and why? If not, why not?
- Is the location and proximity of the school important to you? Why?
- What is an appropriate allowance (per week) for your college student?
- About that college debt…who is responsible for how much?
College is one of the most formative and important social and financial commitments teens and their families will ever make together. However, very few families have discussed college finances, debt, or academics and social expectations. This disconnect can create incredible stress for parents and students that will ultimately influence the quality and success of a student’s college experience.
Take the time to reflect and answer these questions. Discuss them beforestarting the college application and selection process. Discussions you have now may save you from unpleasant conflicts in the first few months, and subsequent years, of college.
“My parents won’t let me keep the python?”*
For more information about having thoughtful discussions with teens about hard topics, I recommend: A Survival Guide to Parenting Teens – by Joani Geltman
*Direct quotes from parents/students.