Blog

May 1st came and went a couple weeks ago. Historically it is known as May Day, but it is also the deadline for high school seniors to commit to the colleges they will attend. In my twenty-five years as an educator, I also distinguish May 1st as a major milestone in The Parenting Final Exam. It is one of the ongoing assessments of parents and their nearly two decades of fearless negotiating to impart knowledge, skills, and character on their children. This section of the exam has one question with multiple parts.

Is your eighteen-year-old prepared to successfully navigate the world?

The stakes of this exam are quite high; however, most of the questions are very well-known and can be prepared for and practiced years in advance. For example, parents can create a checklist and ask their children:

• Can you put yourself to bed and wake up on time?
• What is a healthy diet and can you manage your own eating habits?
• Do you know how to budget and track your finances?
• Can you do your own laundry?
• Can you cook, and if so, what?
• Can you establish a healthy life-balance: food, sleep, social life, job, school?
• Are you a self-advocate and courageous?
• Can you make friends?
• Can you talk to adults?
• Can you ask for help?
• Do you know how to build a support system of people and services?
• Can you make arrangements on an appropriate travel system?
• Do you know what compound interest is and why it is important?
• Can you give a good handshake and carry a conversation?
• Do you reflect on your choices often and seek to improve yourself?

It is extremely rare for an eighteen-year-old to provide evidence for all these skills, but those who can will have more time to focus on academics and be quickly distinguished from other applicants. In an increasingly competitive college application world, such a distinction is invaluable. But what are the basic skills that can be taught and practiced over time to prepare for this evaluation?

As an educator, I know how much students love to ask, “Will this be on the test?” But for this final exam, parents can give their children an incredible gift by starting early and insisting, “Pay attention. This will all be on our Final.”

The main sections of the Parents’ Final Exam include: 

Tangible Skills:

• Cooking
• Cleaning (self, clothes, environment)
• Financial literacy
• Communication (in all forms)

Intangible Behaviors

• Self-regulation:
  • Sleep
  • Persistence
  • Eating habits
  • Courage
  • Self-esteem
  • Humility
  • Courtesy/Social-graces

I speak with dozens of college students each week and when I ask “What do you wish you had known before going to college?” the three most common answers that college freshmen offer are directly related to these skills and include:

1.  Reflection and Self-regulation. How to say “No.” Nearly every college student wants to do it all, sign up for every club, and take advantage of every opportunity. Overextending is the most common freshman – and sophomore – mistake.
2. Life balance. Learning to stay on top of academics while also attending to all the things that were done for them in high school. For example, “Do you know how long it takes to do laundry and how easy it is to oversleep?”
3. Life skills. How to do “adult things” like make paying bills, making reservations, and how to keep a calendar and make appointments.

Many parents limit their teens’ tasks and obligations in order to provide more time to concentrate on academics. In most cases, this actually creates an incredibly difficult transition to college, and more importantly, adulthood. Helping teens learn “adult stuff” and social soft skills – like a good handshake, saying “Please” and “Thank you,” and holding the door for anyone– prepares teens for college, as well as the college application and admissions process too. Here’s how…

An increasing percentage of students applying to top schools have very high grades, have taken rigorous classes, and scored extremely well on standardized tests. Colleges expect this level of rigor and success; however, as college admissions have become increasingly competitive, the margin between metrics such as GPA and the standardized test scores of those applying has narrowed considerably. While many factors drive this narrowed gap – especially between the top 20% of applicants – colleges are increasingly looking beyond traditional indicators of potential and college success, such as: grades, test scores, recommendations, and essays. Schools now evaluate students for je ne sais quoi or “special sauce” – things that are less standardized and definitely harder to quantify, such as: niceness, grit, and mindset.

Schools have always looked for such indicators of maturity and social grace, but with increasing competition and the sheer number of applications, this is how students can shine brightly, even in a crowd of achievers.

As colleges turn to these social skills and behaviors as an indication of maturity and college readiness, such skills become even more valuable for college applications, but in reality, they are an indicator of parents preparing their children for college, and life. Teaching niceness, humility, reflection and how to make their own salad dressing can actually make teens stand out in college applications. These are also the same skills that are useful in a job interview, or on a date, and when they raise children for their own Parenting Final Exam, which is actually part of the Grandparenting Final Exam too.

Yes, there is a Greenville, North Carolina as well as a Greenville, South Carolina. Who knew? After learning that important geographical lesson, I visited nine colleges and universities in those fine states last week. I also found out that Tennessee didn’t want to be left out of the competition and they too have Greeneville, Tennessee. There should there be a law against such overzealous use of a single town name.

While walking the campuses of Duke, Elon, Furman, Queens and Wake Forrest in the Carolinas, one quickly identifies three things that southern colleges take great pride in: gorgeous red brick architecture, impressive fountains, and incredibly manicured green spaces. In addition, if you are not from the south, you cannot help but notice a certain formality to social interactions that the west coast does not practice with the same fervor. “Please” and “Thank You” are integral – and expected – parts of nearly every interaction and not holding the door for others is inconceivable. Southern California may ooze being laid back, but the South has it beat hands down for basic manners.

While phrases like “Oh, you’re from away” and “Doesn’t that get on your very last nerve,” may seem foreign at first, they quickly work into your own statements. In addition, the students, professors and admissions representatives I spoke with were some of the politest and genuinely warm people I have found on any campus. Nowhere was this more clearly demonstrated than during my continued quest for the ultimate grilled cheese sandwich while on the Queens University campus in Charlotte.

When I enquired about my favorite academic comfort food I was told, “Go to the Lion’s Den. They will make you one.” You can imagine my disappointment when I arrived only to find there was no grilled cheese sandwich listed on the menu, so I inquired and was answered with, “Why sure. What would you like? I’ll make it any way you would like.” Now that is a reason to go to school in the south!